


the very first words of a lifelong love letter

by pro_daydreamer



Series: Greenhouse Tier 5 AU [1]
Category: The AM Archives (Podcast), The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Captivity, F/F, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, They're All in Tier Five, Tier Five, this is also very loosely a greenhouse au if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pro_daydreamer/pseuds/pro_daydreamer
Summary: In truth, I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m not in the habit of writing letters so I’m not sure exactly what you’re supposed to put in them. Am I doing this right? Should I be more formal? No, I feel like that’s not the right kind of tone for this. This is a letter between friends. If I can call you a friend? I hope I can.Sam and Mags met once in an experiment with Mark, and Sam was intrigued, so she wrote a letter.This began as a simple nice Greenhouse AU but became angsty with the addition of tier fivecws for isolation, anxiety, other tier five brands of angst (this list may be added to)fic title is from I Choose You by Sara Bareilles
Relationships: Mark Bryant/Oliver Ritz, Samantha Barnes/Mags Densmore
Series: Greenhouse Tier 5 AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071986
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. Letter 1: Sam

**Author's Note:**

> I've never tried writing in letters like this before so I hope it works and that you enjoy!

Dear Mags,

I know this is a bad idea. I know that. I do. But I’ve talked to Agent Green and he says he can get this to you secretly so I’m taking the chance and doing something risky for once. What can they do to me that’s worse than this? Perhaps that’s tempting fate but right now I don’t care. I _want_ to do this so I’m doing it even if I’m terrified.

In truth, I don’t really know _ what _ I’m doing. I’m not in the habit of writing letters so I’m not sure exactly what you’re supposed to put in them. Am I doing this right? Should I be more formal? No, I feel like that’s not the right kind of tone for this. This is a letter between friends. If I can call you a friend? I hope I can.

It feels a little old fashioned actually, sitting down and physically writing a letter. I would use a fancy pen or something but I’m working with what Agent Green can get for me and I’m left-handed anyway so ink would smudge all over the page. Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s really not the best idea at all. I don’t know why I ever thought it would be.

There are so many things I want to say to you. First of all, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you much since we first met but you’ve looked tired lately. Sorry, I don’t mean that in a bad way. Well, it’s not good that you look tired but you don’t look  _ bad _ . You look fine. Wait no, that sounds bad, you look great. Not that I've been paying that much attention to how you look, I've just noticed. That you look tired, I mean.  Maybe I should start this letter again.

Are you alright though? I don’t know exactly what they do to you in experiments and unlike me, you can’t even get a break from this place. I never thought I’d be _ thankful _ for being forced to use my ability but at least I get to see the sky. I’d give anything to feel the sunlight on my skin again for real. Or rain, I’d love to feel the rain properly again. I’m never sure what they get telekinetics like you to do, I’ve only ever seen you when we were working with Mark. I hope it’s not too painful though, whatever they do, I know they can be cruel.

I know you might be confused when you get this letter. If you ever get it. I do trust Owen. I think. Still, I’m not sure if this will ever get to you. Maybe that’s for the best, I’m not entirely sure if you want to hear from me. We’ve met once and I’m writing you this letter which seemed great in practice but now I’m writing that I’m realising how terrible an idea this is.

You don’t have to respond, I should make that clear. I get that I’m pretty much a stranger to you and you have no reason to reply. It would be nice, I think, but don’t feel that you have to. Even me writing  _ this _ feels like I’m pressuring you so I’m sorry about that. I just needed to write something. 

I want to know more about you if you would allow me. I want to get to know you. It’s easy to feel lonely here. They do that on purpose, I think. Or maybe they just don’t care. It’s easier to manipulate someone when they’re alone. That’s a whole tactic, isolation. I’ve read they use it in cults to lure you in. They take people with no other connections, no one who would miss them and they weaponise it against them. Weaponised loneliness, what a thought.

You know for a long time I thought my loneliness could actually protect me. I thought that if anybody saw my ability — well, that would be very dangerous for me. I was so scared that someone would see me disappear and of all the questions I would have to answer when I got back. It was easier to be alone than to risk what would happen when someone saw the freak that I am. I never realised that by being trapped in that bubble I just hurt even more.

I suppose that’s really why I’m writing to you. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I have Mark of course, we’ve been paired together for experiments enough times that I know him better than anyone else here. You intrigue me though, you make me curious and I want to know you, to talk with you. I think we could both be less lonely if we had each other.

I’m so sorry if that comes off creepy, I promise I’m not being creepy. You’re just so...alive? Still? Even in this place. I admire you for that and honestly, I could use a bit of that myself. I feel like you’re a great person to talk to? That sounds incredibly selfish of me, I’m sorry.

I’m a wreck and I should really just finish this letter and stop being so stupid about it.

The point is, you seem like a lovely person and I’d love to learn more about you.

I look forward to your response if you choose to write back. If not, then I hope that this letter at least serves to tell you that you’re not alone.

Sincerely,

Sam

P.S. Mark sends his best wishes, he hopes that you’re alright and that the toxin had no lasting effect on you. He says he’s sorry, he couldn’t use his ability well enough to stop both of us from suffering more. 

I already told him it’s not his fault but he told me to write it anyway. 


	2. Letter 2: Mags

Dear Sam,

I have to say I was surprised to get your letter. When Owen slipped it to me I had no idea what to expect but I really appreciated it. I guess I’m honoured that you reached out to me? For the record, I admire you too. I mean you got this letter to me, despite everything. That’s amazing, Sam. I hope you realise that.

I suppose I probably have been looking tired. They’ve got me doing all these telekinesis exercises, trying to hold as many things in the air as possible for as long as I can. Mostly they want to work on my precision but it’s exhausting. It’s difficult but I’m still surviving. Glad to know I look ‘great’ though. You look pretty good too, when I’ve seen you. 

Nothing’s been quite as rough as the experiment where we met. I still can’t believe they poisoned us like that, but I’ve been talking to Oliver — he’s an alchemist, I don’t know if you’ve met him — and he says that poison is something they use with him pretty often. I wonder now whether they’ll ever use it on me again. I hope not, having my body invaded and paralysed like that was awful and if I ever have to go through that again I’ll kill the director myself.

Speaking of Oliver though, I’m pretty sure he’s met Mark. When I explained how the two of us met he mentioned being paired with him for a few experiments. He hopes Mark is well. As well as he can be, I suppose. I hope Mark is doing well too. I know it’s probably tougher on him than a lot of us, given his ability. It seems like he gets put in experiments more than the rest of us. Worse ones too. It’s times like this I’m grateful I don’t have a more unique ability.

Enough about them though, how are you? I suppose time travel is an ability that they like to experiment with more than telekinesis. I’m far from the only telekinetic, but as far as I know you’re pretty much the only time traveller around here. I would say it seems pretty fun but I get the impression that it’s pretty far from being fun for  _ you _ . I hope they don’t hurt you too much in the experiments either.

Does the time travelling itself hurt you? I hope it doesn’t but given the strain that telekinesis puts me under sometimes…. I doubt you’d be able to get through without any discomfort. I guess that’s the downside of an ability. It’s never easy. It’s never  _ comfortable _ . 

I suppose nothing’s comfortable about being an atypical though. There’s the secrecy, the impending threat of places like this, the anxiety of using our abilities themselves, the complete isolation when you have no one to talk to about this stuff. You talked about the loneliness and I really feel that. For a while, I thought I was a freak too. I mean, I’m pretty lucky, I found the AM and Owen when I was pretty young. Even then though, there was a period of time where I had no idea what was happening to me. I hated it, it scared me and I worried that I was something different from everyone else, some kind of mutant monster. 

Things started floating in my early teen years. I think that’s when it starts for quite a lot of atypicals, when we’re teenagers. It being a high stress, hormonal time, I suppose it makes sense. Anyway, I tried to hide it, test it on my own for a while. I thought if I tried to show anyone else they would freak out or not believe me. I couldn’t keep it hidden for very long though, I started knocking things over without touching them when I panicked or got excited and that didn’t go unnoticed by my parents. One thing led to another and it turned out that Owen knew about atypicals and introduced me to the AM. I got some help with understanding my ability, meeting other atypicals like myself, getting control over making things fly around the room. It was good. I suppose I placed too much trust in them because here I am, locked up and experimented on by the people I turned to for help and support. 

Isn’t that fucked up?

It hurts a bit that Owen let this happen. I trusted him. I know that he lets us have a certain amount of freedom, aids us where he can like with these letters and the stationery but it still stings. I think him helping us with these letters is partly because he feels guilty. I mean, I would feel guilty in his position, imprisoning the woman you helped when she was just a girl?

How did you figure out your ability? I hope that’s not an invasive question but I’m curious. Also when you time travel where do you go? Or when I guess? Both maybe, when and where? I’m sure you’ve seen all kinds of things in history, all kinds of places. If we get out of here maybe someday you could show me some of them.

I’m honestly flattered that you admire me. Seriously? I never thought there was anything about me to be admired. I’m just about surviving, that’s all any of us can really do. If anyone is to be admired here it’s you though Sam. You wrote me a letter, risking whatever punishment there would be if this were found out and you put your heart out there. That’s brave. 

You’re stupid for thinking that I wouldn’t want to write back though. Of course I would. 

Until next time, 

Mags

P.S. Oliver decided he wanted to forward some questions to Mark through me so here we go:

  * Is Mark doing ok?
  * How does he feel about alchemy? Does he think it’s cool?
  * What are his thoughts on waffles and pierogi? (Oliver apparently needs to know before he can make any lasting attachment)
  * I can’t believe he’s asking me to write this but further alchemy question: does Mark think that alchemy is an attractive trait in a man? (really fucking subtle, Oliver)



I get the feeling that Oliver has a certain  _ motivation _ behind these questions but there we go. If Mark doesn’t want to answer I don’t blame him but Oliver is very keen to get to know him and I really want him to have a new thing or person to fixate on because I’ve been hearing about mold spores for two weeks now and I want to hear about  _ anything  _ else. If you’d indulge him that would be fantastic for my sanity, thank you.

Also, Sam? Thank you again, you don’t know how much that letter meant to me.


	3. Letter 3: Sam

Dear Mags,

I’m so glad you wrote back! You have no _idea_ how nervous I was waiting to see if Agent Green would hand me a letter and when he did I almost time travelled by accident. I did manage to hold on long enough to take the letter and store it safely before disappearing but I’m pretty sure I was flickering the whole time. I went to Venice actually. Sometime in the 1950s, I think? It was beautiful. 

You know I’ve always wanted to visit Venice for real. I’ve heard so much about it and I bet the atmosphere would be magical but I’ve always been too afraid to travel there. And now, well, I’m stuck in here so I can’t exactly go anywhere at all. Venice though, I think to actually _be_ there for real, to smell and hear and _feel_ it, that would be so special. I’m never really _there_ when I time travel, you see. I don’t properly exist in the past? My therapist once tried to explain it as dimensional bubbles and stuff but I think that’s too confusing to try and explain through a letter. It was confusing enough in person when I could ask questions. I’d like to go there properly if I ever get out of here. Maybe we could go together? If you want to, that is. You don’t have to. But if you like, I think it could be amazing.

To answer your question, time travel _does_ put a strain on my body. It’s _really_ not comfortable and it does hurt, I think. 

It hurts a lot actually, more than you would think. I think part of that is because it’s so….drastic? I’m physically disappearing from the present and it really, _really_ hurts. More than you’d think is possible. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s just a dull ache, but since I’ve been here it’s like my body is on fire every time I take a trip. I asked them for painkillers a while back but Wadsworth refused, said I ‘shouldn’t need them if I learned more control’. She said it would be a _motivation_. I don’t know if she just doesn’t understand that it hurts even when I travel on purpose or if she just doesn’t care. 

It’s hard to tell with her.

My ability first presented when I was around ten, I think? I don’t know if that’s early or not. Maybe it is, I’m not sure. I went to ancient Greece the first time and it was pretty incredible. The trips were infrequent back then but they got worse when I was older. I’ve been to some...not great places in some really not great times. I haven’t really told anyone about those trips, I don’t like talking about them. The memories I have of them aren’t….aren’t fun. My therapist, Joan, she thought that I could be going where I was subconsciously thinking about before the panic and the time travel set in. It mostly seems random though, at least it was before I learned how to control it in any way. Since I’ve been able to control it I can mostly choose where I go, even when the trip is brought on involuntarily. Sometimes I still surprise myself but I rarely go anywhere I _really_ don’t want to anymore. It’s happened a few times after being locked up but I can mostly control it.

Strangely enough, I do end up in the 1800s a lot. At first, it was by accident and then it was to visit Mark when he was stuck there and I was trying to get him out. That’s why I was brought into the AM in the first place actually, to get Mark out of the past. Well, that and the fact that I have a rare ability that they want to observe. 

Ok, the thought of Agent Green outside of the AM is so weird. I can’t imagine him ever being...supportive and _nice_? Admittedly he’s far from being the worst person in here. You’re right in saying he does allow us a lot of freedoms and does things for us, like passing on these letters and getting us stationery, but he’s still complicit in us being here, in us being experimented on like this. Does it count as torture? What they do to us? I don’t know the legal definitions but it feels like it should at least be classed as inhumane. I mean they _poisoned_ us. That can’t be legal. I mean of course that’s not legal, it’s _poison._

It must be awful to have the place that helped you turn against you like this, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to pry either but...why did you end up in here then? If they helped you back then and didn’t lock you up until many years later, what happened to change that? Again, there’s no obligation for you to explain and you can ignore I even asked if you want.

I haven’t met Oliver but Mark _definitely_ has. When I told him you’d mentioned Oliver in your letter he practically lit up. They’ve been paired up quite a lot, Mark says. I’ve been told to pass on the message that Mark is doing fine and while he’s not exactly _looking forward_ to being paired with Oliver in another experiment, he’s excited at the prospect of getting to see him again. I think Oliver makes him happy from what I can tell. I get the feeling that’s pretty mutual.

For the record, Mags, I think you’re selling yourself short about being admirable. I’ve not often seen anyone be so openly defiant of Wadsworth before, even after everything I’m sure she’s already put you through. Mark is sometimes, but I think he’s got some defence because of his ability. He’s irreplaceable to her, important in her schemes. That doesn’t stop her from hurting him, definitely doesn’t stop her from hurting him, but he’s still got something he can hold over her. You’re braver than you think, you’re not ‘just surviving’. 

Also, you have no idea how scared I was about writing and sending that letter. I don’t think you’d call me brave if you really knew me. 

I’m still so thankful that you replied. I was prepared for nothing, to shout into the dark and get nothing back. So to get your letter, that really came out of nowhere. I was so _happy_ reading it. Are we friends now? I’d like to be able to call you a friend, if that’s ok? I know that it’s weird, finding a friend in a situation like this but I’m glad I did find you. Despite everything.

I still can’t really believe all this. I’m glad I sent you that letter and I’m thrilled you responded and just — 

Wow.

I look forward to when I next hear from you, 

Sam

P.S. In answer to Oliver’s questions from last time:

  * Mark is doing fine, obviously life isn’t easy for him, but things are generally alright right now. He says not to worry.
  * He does think alchemy is cool and it’s actually one of his favourite abilities to use. (he also think telekinesis is fun to use by the way)
  * As for his thoughts on waffles and pierogi, he likes them? He’s not sure exactly what Oliver wanted to know about his opinions but he says when it comes to food he’s open-minded (what he actually said was “I’ll put anything in my mouth once”, but he told me not to write that). He hopes that that’s good enough though and doesn’t deter Oliver. He seemed irrationally nervous about it _actually_ making a difference to how Oliver thought about him but I told him not to worry about it. Which is admittedly weird coming from me.
  * Mark had some _difficulty_ answering the last question. He kind of blushed and said “well yeah, alchemy is cool, so…”. I’d assume that answers Oliver’s question? 



Mark has his own set of questions though so here we go:

  * How’s Oliver been since they last met? Is he eating and sleeping ok?
  * What did Oliver do before he got here? Apparently, Mark’s always been curious. He’s a photographer by the way. Mark that is.
  * Is it just him or does Agent Green give off “such hetero vibes that he actively kills the mood by being in the room”? (apparently this one is for you too, Mags, if you want to answer)
  * Does he have any siblings and does he think they miss him? 



I hope you’re not hearing about mold spores too much anymore, for the sake of your sanity. Mark seems keen to get to know Oliver too so I think that ‘motivation’ for the questions goes both ways.

P.P.S Mark wants to slip in the fact that he’s bisexual. You know. If that’s relevant. 

~~P.P.P.S He told me I should write that I’m queer too.~~

~~P.P.P.P.S Please ignore that last line (or don’t? I don’t know) Just...pretend you didn’t see that~~.


End file.
